On the feeling of “bittersweet” this quote sums it up perfectly:
“Bittersweet is appreciating life's most precious moments and the unbearable awareness that those moments are passing"
As I’m putting together some of my fave images from my boy’s first 18 years this quote hits hard.
But with an even heavier level of realisation that not only are they passing, most of them have passed.
He’s 18.
And “they” say that I’ve spent 90% of the time I’ll have with him already.
He’s off and flying. (although he’s been flying for a while now)
“They” say you get 18 Summers with your kids, but I’m here to tell you that it’s not always that many (sorry for this news). Depending on the kid, of course.
I feel like I got about 13 Summers with this baby boy, where our lives were truly intertwined. My fiercely independent, confident, self aware boy.
As soon as he could confidently ride his mountain bike and take public transport he was off. Mates to see, places to ride, jettys to jump, KFC frozen cokes to drink.
And honestly, I think it’s taken me the past 5 years to come to terms with it. And now that he’s actually 18, it feels a bit more “ok”? Or maybe that’s just how I feel at this particular second, because honestly the feels change pretty quickly on this one!
I try to box-up my mum-memories and tell myself I was “present” and “aware” and soaking it all in, but in amongst the photos there is a heartbreaking feeling that, looking back, I probably really wasn’t.
Because when you’re IN IT, like truly IN the parenting trenches of nappies and house work and food and sleep deprivation it’s so very very hard to lock in those “good” core memories.
To put the frustrations aside and soak it in. (I’d propose that it’s impossible, but perhaps that’s just my journey)
But I come back to the knowledge that I tried.
I tried my best.
And I know sometimes (oftentimes) my best was pretty subpar, but I’ll forgive myself for this because parenting has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and ever continue to do, and there is no practice run.
You’re doing it for the first time while you’re doing it and then it’s done and you’re like “wait! what? can I do that bit over?” and the universe is “nope, sorry love. But here’s some memories of all the times you could have done so much better….enjoy”
And that, my friends is the bittersweet melancholy feeling of printing out baby photos for your son’s 18th.
An enormous mix of pride, heartbreak, guilt, joy and a big fuck-off lesson on self forgiveness.
